It’s the hardest thing for me to say.
You see, I like to fix things and I am really freaking good at it. But it’s a blessing and a curse and an addiction really. There is nothing like the thrill something once broken and then being fixed.
If there was a problem Yo, I'll solve it! I love being able to bring chaos into order with my own hands.
My tendency is to stretch myself thin. If there is an empty spot serving somewhere in the church, I want to help. If there is a volunteer opportunity for an organization, I’m there. If someone calls me out of the blue and needs help with design, I’m your gal! All because I like to fix things and be the hero. I love making people happy and fix their problems. I am your ride or die gal, and will stick it out to the end … even if that means it kills me. I am loyal to a fault. ( Dang you Enneagram Type 6) I tend to stay around WAY past my limits and stick around until it’s not healthy.
But being a hero and shouldering the weight of everything is tiring and impossible. On top of all that, I set the standard of perfection on ALL of those responsibilities. So I try to hold it all up, like Atlas grimacing as he carries the world. Oh, did I mention that I can’t be at rest and be present when ALL those responsibilities aren’t done? They circle over my head like a frenzy of dark shadowy sharks, waiting to attack me on my “days off”. My brain never stops thinking. Ever.
But praise God for counseling.
I am learning, slowly, that just because there is a gap doesn’t mean that I have to fill it. That I am NOT the pillar that holds it all together, God is. My mistakes are not enough to undo God’s plans. I have God-given limits and He means that for my good. My gifting is NOT my calling. He is my source of rest and NOT in getting things done. I can’t fix everyone’s problems and that is ok!
Above all … God is trying to rid me of all the idols in my life that I identify myself with. It’s like the story in 1 Samuel 5 where God keeps toppling over the idols of the Philistines. Except it feels like God is obliterating the idols in my life.
He crushed my career idol. He called me to step away from my job. The past month I took a step back from my full-time role at Embrace Grace. It was devastating, the thought of not having a job. What would people think? How would I define myself and success in life?!
He crushed my health/fitness idol. This one has been a slow-time coming. The past year I have struggled with my weight coming back on slowly after trying to balance a job and health. But I clung to my fitness like Gollum to the Ring of Power.
Until … a few weeks ago, I got mono. The amount of stress, anxiety from my job coupled with pushing myself in the gym lowered my immune system and it reared its ugly head in the form of mono. Where the only prescription is the very thing that I suck at the most. Rest.
I know that God is behind it all, and will bring me around this mountain until I learn the lesson He wants me to learn. So I think It’s about time I learned to let go and allow God to work in my life and embrace this season of “No” and “Being still and knowing that He is God.” I know that saying “no” is only for a season until I regain my footing and my life is more balanced. But until then … I’m saying yes to the things that bring rest and joy and no to the things that cause striving and anxiety.